crystal and sweet violin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thelinesoflearning) wrote2014-09-27 08:03 am
thelinesoflearning) wrote2014-09-27 08:03 am
petty moments of down because they are racing in my head
no one will switch shifts with me because everyone works the day i need off too. the idea of going in tonight and asking more people just makes me sick to my stomach and i may just end up calling in sick that day.
i do not have as much money as i really wanted and originally expected to come this week and that kind of makes me sick because i need to put aside money for new work clothes and transporting everyone all around and food and i'm going to have next to nothing left if i let myself spend on things at the con after all that and i should have been so much more careful.
reading nonfic things is stupidly hard and i feel stupid and silly becuase i put 80+ fics, old and new, on the kindle and just read that all night and i should have been reading so many other things.
most people touching me right now kind of makes me want to scream, cry, hit, and crawl under a table. the ones that don't i just want to cling to their legs like a fucking child.
most things touching me right now kind of make me want to scream, cry, and crawl under a table, and my work clothes are included in that pile.
i found an area at work i actually like working and i'm too fucking chicken to ask to work it.
i have a story floating around in my head, have since thurday morning, but i'm losing bits of it by the day and i can't get myself together enough to write it down, even in note form.
i want to curl up and watch vids but i feel like the time i spend doing that is so much better spent on other things that i'm nto allowed.
i'm really tired and i still have to go shower and i really, really don't want to stand uup for that long.
everyone is in the house and i just want to be alone.
i cant take advantage of my whole ten days off (assuming i call in sick which, let's be hoenst, it's the coward's way so i probably will) and just go crash with my partner because con, so i have to drag my brother along with me, which it's not fair to anyone to do for ten days.
there are more cuts all over me that i don't remember getting and they don't hurt but i hate it when it happens places where i very specificlaly should have seen it and i dont remmber it.
i'm still bleeding like a stuck pig and i cant get my uterus to cut it the fuck out and i'm really paranoid that i'm going to start coming through at work.
i really want to cry but i don't think i have the energy even for that.
i do not have as much money as i really wanted and originally expected to come this week and that kind of makes me sick because i need to put aside money for new work clothes and transporting everyone all around and food and i'm going to have next to nothing left if i let myself spend on things at the con after all that and i should have been so much more careful.
reading nonfic things is stupidly hard and i feel stupid and silly becuase i put 80+ fics, old and new, on the kindle and just read that all night and i should have been reading so many other things.
most people touching me right now kind of makes me want to scream, cry, hit, and crawl under a table. the ones that don't i just want to cling to their legs like a fucking child.
most things touching me right now kind of make me want to scream, cry, and crawl under a table, and my work clothes are included in that pile.
i found an area at work i actually like working and i'm too fucking chicken to ask to work it.
i have a story floating around in my head, have since thurday morning, but i'm losing bits of it by the day and i can't get myself together enough to write it down, even in note form.
i want to curl up and watch vids but i feel like the time i spend doing that is so much better spent on other things that i'm nto allowed.
i'm really tired and i still have to go shower and i really, really don't want to stand uup for that long.
everyone is in the house and i just want to be alone.
i cant take advantage of my whole ten days off (assuming i call in sick which, let's be hoenst, it's the coward's way so i probably will) and just go crash with my partner because con, so i have to drag my brother along with me, which it's not fair to anyone to do for ten days.
there are more cuts all over me that i don't remember getting and they don't hurt but i hate it when it happens places where i very specificlaly should have seen it and i dont remmber it.
i'm still bleeding like a stuck pig and i cant get my uterus to cut it the fuck out and i'm really paranoid that i'm going to start coming through at work.
i really want to cry but i don't think i have the energy even for that.
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anyway just in general, it's not your fault and i love you and i'm sorry i'm being too much of a mess to help you with anything but i love you.
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I'm surviving all right on my own. The boys are helping in little ways and I am sleeping and trying to do productive things when I have the brainpower for it, so yeah. <3333
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<33333333 Loooove. just love for everyone i dont know words are hard.
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