thelinesoflearning | (no subject)

I would like the bad brainspace to go away, because it's seriously impairing my ability to do anything. Or want to do anything, but even when I want to, doing just never happens.

It was a seriously bad morning. Nearly crying minutes after I woke up because I had to get out of bed bad. I got it beat down to a place where I can hide it again, but I keep feeling it trying to resurface and it's getting to be harder and harder. And I'm starting to beat myself up for nesting in distractions, or even wanting them. Telling myself 'I get a break on having to do things til the end of this month because so many doctors and so much family' is so much easier than actually giving myself a fucking break.

speaking of doctors, I still haven't got my pills. I need to actually talk to people when I go in, which is not what they led me to believe would be happening. I was under the impression I went in, picked up a prescriotion, and left, and no, apparently not. I don't want to talk. Some part of my brain is utterly convinced they're calling me in to explain to me that there's nothing wrong with me but my being stupid and lazy and letting myself continue to be worthless. I know they're probably not. Still feel like it.

I'm going to try and go Wednesday. I just don't know if I actually will. I should. I just don't know.

I should maybe sleep. I've been keeping about a 12/1-7/8 sleep schedule lately. I hate it with a passion, I miss being up all night, but I'm trying to stick with it at least till the Disney trip ends. I should stick with it longer, but... hate it. Hate it a lot.

I don't know. I'm just talking because I don't know what else to do.

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Do you have someone you can use to force you to go, and who can stay with you while you talk to people?

As for the bad brainspace, if I thwack it with a rolled-up newspaper, will it behave?

Not really. I'm not good at leaning on the people in my head and my family's not really good for this kind of thing right now. I can probably get my grandmother to badger me out of bed and the house, so I'm probably going to use that to get myself out, but she wouldn't be great having around when I'm dealing with doctors.

At this point I'll give it a try. Today's a little better insofar as easier to push away and numb myself out with distractions, but the actual trying to think and do things part still isn't coming very well.

With time, then, it will arrive. Perhaps you can force yourself to be in the right places by strategically leaving things behind so that you have to get to the car to get something, and then you can do the driving? I don't know how well self-tricking works for you, but maybe.

Also, I'm in solving things mode. If that's not the mode you want, please let me know so I will change.

Unfortunately I don't drive. Self-tricking works decently sometimes, but there's not a lot of tricks like that that get you to the bus stop. I'm trying to use a combination of promising myself rewards and reminding myself that I don't want to hear my grandmother bitch that I'm skipping out on doctor, but I think it's largely going to depend on if I can sleep tonight and how bad anxiety stuff is in the morning.

No, solving is fine and I appreciate the help -- I'm not always very good at seeing all the solutions. Sometimes even obvious ones.

Good sleep, then, and we hope the anxiety stays well away.